Really though, is that in your best interest?  Does communicating differently require that much effort?

“How do I take a break when I’m exhausted but my supervisor is breathing down my neck waiting for work that was due two days ago?”  asked Sam (name & details have been changed)

Responding to his question with a question (typical coach),  I  asked Sam if there might be another way to view this.  Silence.  Trying a different approach, I asked if could imagine his boss’s  perspective on the situation.  He was still stumped.  Clearly I hadn’t asked the right question, yet.

Instead,  Sam repeated how badly he needed his  “power naps”:  10 minutes,  at his desk, every 2 hours.  And he followed that up, again describing how negative his boss acts when he sees Sam doing this.  Sam is understandably angry at being treated this way.  He can’t see why his boss ” doesn’t get it” .  He’s playing the same tape in his head leading him to the same place each time.

According to  Sam,  everything at work was fine until a year ago when the chronic fatigue syndrome (cfs) , after being “quiet”  for a decade, became worse again.   Now  he was habitually about two days late on every project.

Sam  told his boss that he ‘d become sick with cfs  in his yearly review one year ago, shortly after he became sick again.  He also said that he wouldn’t be able to keep up  the same pace because cfs makes him so tired.   Sam thinks that he did what he was supposed to do and that should have been enough.  They never spoke directly about his health again.

In our first call, Sam told me that the good news is that his work is so good that his supervisor  needs him too much to fire him.  The bad news is that his supervisor, who used to leave him completely alone, now  ‘lurks’ over him and drops hints that Sam’s  work is too slow.   Sam resents that his boss “… doesn’t understand that I’m doing the best I can”.

In our last call, Sam told me in that he’s worried he could lose his job.   A co-worker had told him that people were complaining about his failure to meet deadlines.

As he describes himself,  Sam has been operating as he always has.  And that behavior had worked fine for him — until now.   But chronic  illness is a game changer.

Sam recognizes that if anyone is going to change this, it’s got to be him.  It’s his job on the line.  Sam’s real strength comes from recognizing this.  He felt boxed into a corner.  But rather than continuing to blame someone else, he realized he needed to make a different move.

In this case, it was about what he hadn’t said.  His conversation with his supervisor hadn’t gone far enough.  He had made an announcement without any clear requests.

I suggested that he could make clear requests and create reasonable expectations that he can meet.  I referred  him to a very useful book, You Are What You Say, by Matthew Budd and Larry Rothstein (my copy is so worn it’s falling apart).  I particularly like their  “10 Linguistic Viruses”.  (For more on this, read my post, Talking about Chronic Illness)

When it feels like you’re in a situation with no moves, one move you can always make is to find a way to expand your view.

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Struggling to keep your job while living with a chronic health condition?

Then you might want to tune into Downton Abbey, Season 1,  to see what to do and what to avoid .

Maybe they should make a series called, “Working and Living With Chronic Health Problems”?  I’m doubtful the scriptwriters set out with this intention but they really nailed it with Mrs. Patmore and Mr. Bates.

Let’s start with Bates.  While interviewing for his new job as Valet to Lord Grantham, he really wants the job.   Grantham, who  seems eager to hire him (they’d been in the Boer War together), expresses worry whether Bates can manage it.  Bates replies with confidence that he can. (Meanwhile, as Bates stands there looking perfectly normal, we viewers haven’t a clear what they’re referring to.)

But when his ‘colleagues’, the rest of the staff, grumble that Bates won’t be able to carry his weight, we realize all isn’t as it looks.   When Bates falls, it becomes clear.  Bates has one very bad leg.  As he continues to drop platters and have trouble,  the others are grumbling louder.

So, how does Bates handle this?  With some wise moves:

1. He says in front of all the staff that he can do his job and they don’t have to worry that he can’t.   Whether they believe him or not, he tells them he’s not expecting them to work harder for his sake. He’s also telling them he knows what he faces and can manage.
2. When he falls in a very public moment, he accepts help getting up. But he keeps his feelings in check so others don’t have to feel more uncomfortable.
3. He is exceedingly kind and respectful to others, particularly staff who are mistreated poorly by others,.  This earns him allegiance and loyalty  (except from Thomas who resented Bates got the job over him – but clearly he’s just a nasty piece of work.)

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So what’s this about?   I asked myself,  what does it mean ‘to give advice’?

• My definition:  telling a person what to do.
• An online definition:  advice, n., recommendation regarding a decision or course of conduct.   

I could see how what I think are  ‘suggestions’ could be perceived by others as advice.  I think there’s a distinction here worth making.  My intention with these posts is to encourage you to think about a challenging situation differently.  And, in doing so, to be better able to improve it.

Think about this:  Have you experienced loss?  Do you fear more of the same?  You can do something about this but advice, recommendations,  won’t turn it around.  Let’s face it, when living with chronic illness, there are no ‘right/wrong’ moves.  Too many variables and unknowns.  Life is too complicated for simple solutions.

Do you consider the  suggestions I offer, play with them, roll them around in your mind?  If not, why not?   If you’re stuck doing this yourself, find someone — a friend, a coach — to help you work it through.

For instance, when I explore disclosure,  I suggest describing how symptoms impact you,  rather than talk about how they feel.  That’s just  one option.  Play with it, twist it around and  see how it goes for you.

Another example is working or not working.  This can be a biggie for most of us.  I recognize that it’s not always desirable nor even possible  to work when you live with illness.   I’ve written in my book and in these posts that research and my personal/professional experiences support the idea that work improves a person’s health.

But there are many exceptions to this statement.  Only you can figure out where you fit within this spectrum.

My intention and hope is to write something that motivates you to take a closer look at your situation through a different lens.   The stories I create are culled mostly from my clients,  and I use them as examples.  These short posts aren’t prescriptive.  They can’t possibly address everyone’s situation.  I create stories, culled mostly from my clients,  and I use them as examples.

Go ahead!  Adapt them to work for you.  Seek help  from others when you’re stuck.

If you don’t agree with an idea, share it here.  Tell me and others what you think,  what  works for you.  Share how you live  – and work -  with the challenges of chronic illness.

QUERY:   HR Directors -We’ve got a grant to study the effects of a coaching intervention on people working who live with chronic illness.   Employees who participate would receive coaching services at no fee.  We ask nothing from a partner organization other than to communicate our message about this study to their employees.   Are you an HR Director or work within organization that you think would be interested in ‘partnering’ with us?  For more information:  Alyssa.McGonagle@Wayne.edu

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After more than 10 years of coaching people around living with illness and their work life, blogging on this topic,  and in my personal experience, I’ve decided that the basics matter.  The basics allow a person to thrive, not just survive.

Here are my top 3 thriving skills:

1. Communication
2. Communication
3. Communication

Yup.  It’s that important.

Let’s look at why.

First, most illness symptoms are invisible.  No one knows  what your symptom/health is today/ in this moment–  unless you tell them.  And even where some of effects are visible, that doesn’t mean that others understand how this impacts YOU, unless you tell them.

Further, even if your boss or best friend lives with a chronic illness, it doesn’t mean she’s experiencing the same symptoms or having the same disease progression.  Even more importantly,  pain and fatigue (2 primary chronic disease symptoms) are subjective experiences.   What does it mean to rate it on a scale of 1-10?  Nothing other than to define how you experience it at this moment in time.  That means your herniated disc or ulcerative colitis symptoms impact you in a certain way.  Often it impacts you differently day to day.  Another person with the same clinical findings on an MRI or a Colonoscopy will likely have a very different response and experience of this from your own.  That puts the burden  on you to describe what’s going on to others –  if you choose to.

Finally, although almost 50% of the adult population live with at least one chronic disease  (astounding isn’t it?), having good health is greatly prized.  Even more importantly, acting like you have good health is prized even more!  Too often that means that although people might be empathic when you get a diagnosis, the empathy quickly wears thin if you can’t pull your weight or if you’re asking others to do things differently for you.

Here’s a specific example of how talking about this can be such a problem that it truly gets in your way.

In a recent conversation, my client was reflecting  on what led him to stop working.  Five years ago, he left his job and went on disability.  He’d been able to continue working for over 10 years with  increasingly debilitating symptoms (he lives with Crohn’s disease).  But he’d often had to do a ‘work-around’ – - do his job differently or at a different pace.

Now he finds that he needs more income than he’s getting from his disability policy and he’s sorely missing working.  His doctor suggested he seems depressed.  And his wife told him he has to find something to do. He’s 52 years old.

Thinking back to his decision to leave  his job, he realized that it wasn’t the illness or symptoms.  He was  fed up trying to ‘defend’ himself  to colleagues and bosses – he hated having to talk about it so  much.

When we explored the conversations that bothered him at his last job and looked at how it’s not all that different in his personal life, he saw how isolated he’d become since this disease had grown worse.

The interpersonal habits he’d learned over a lifetime had worked well enough and he’d felt successful in all the key areas of his life. But illness required different things of him and he wasn’t prepared.

“I’m a man of few words,” he said when he described himself.   So how’s that going for you, I asked?

Are you struggling with one of the top 3 I mentioned above?  Here are some suggestions.

In my book, Women Work and Autoimmune Disease: Keep Working Girlfriend, there’s a chapter, “Talking About Your Chronic Illness”.   It identifies some specific tactics you can apply to your own situation.

My booklet, “Are You Talking” , part of the Career Thrive Series, goes into even more detail about how to tackle this issue in your work life.

Finally, I often use another resource in my coaching work , “You Are What You Say” by Matthew Budd and Larry Rothstein  — particularly  the chapter on linguistic viruses.

Hmm, I seem to think in 3′s, don’t I? What’s that about?

Do you have any suggestions for other resources?  I ‘d like to hear what you’ve found useful  and I know readers would welcome them, too.

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I just celebrated my 60th birthday and a client (I’ll call her Laurie) was asking  what I ‘d done.  Describing the party we had with loving family and friends, I spoke of how great it felt to be healthy for it.  But now, just 2 days later, I was experiencing symptoms  – -some I’d never had before and some too familiar.

I rarely discuss my health challenges or how they affect me unless I think there’s a benefit.   But this time, my frustration was bubbling on the surface and I shared my sadness.  I described how the onset of pain and fatigue had taken the glow right off.

At that, Laurie started to cry  and then talk  — about her own anger and sadness in living with rheumatoid arthritis (RA).  She hadn’t spoken of this in the 8 months we’d worked together.

Turns out that Laurie had just come from her yearly performance review (she’s a paralegal).   She’d been relatively healthy over the last year but  recently, new pain made it difficult to use her dominant hand.

In her review, her boss said that she understood that Laurie was working as hard as she could and she appreciated that the work always got done.  But her boss was having a tough time with the unpredictable nature of Laurie’s symptoms.   Then her boss  acknowledged that she knew she liked control and the unpredictable challenged her and made her irritable with Laurie.

Laurie got the yearly raise she’d received for the past 10 years at this job.  But she left that meeting in a state of shock.  She couldn’t believe that her boss had said these things to her and worried about her future at this law firm.

Laurie has lived with RA for 6 years.  She needs this job to send her kids to college.  She worries that if she loses this job, she won’t find another one.   But she struggles daily with the pain, the unknown and all that living with chronic illness does to a person.  There are days that she just wants to give up and not face other people and their disappointment in her — or her own.

How do you live with never knowing how you’re going to feel?  Or how you’re going to manage in a situation?

There isn’t a blueprint nor easy tips and if someone tries to sell you that line, ignore it.  But I can tell you from my own experience, it takes:

• vigilant self focus (without self absorption) so you notice what you’re experiencing so you can manage it,
• desire for self discovery and renewal so you continue to be resilient and live with hope,
• patience with yourself and others when you face disappointment.

I’ve also experienced in my work how imperative it is to have someone with whom you can talk.  That person should  challenge you to be more than you thought you could be –  a therapist or a coach.   That’s the best investment you can make in your health.

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I asked Bobby what made him bring this up.   He said he didn’t know — maybe it was all the talk about people and illness.   When I asked if anything about P’s performance had changed, Bobby sat back to think about it.

Bobby described the changes he’d seen. P had taken more personal time off  in the past year.  P had used all his vacation days, which had never happened before.  And, P had refused a promotion.

When I asked Bobby if he had ever asked P how things were going with the illness, he said no.  He figured it was up to P to bring it up.  He didn’t want to intrude or invade P’s privacy.  Then, Bobby asked me if I agreed, since it’s my ‘work’.

I said that I didn’t have enough information to know anything for sure.  But in my experience,  some people won’t bring up illness even  after disclosure.  They worry that they’ll be perceived as complaining, or worse, as unable to do their work. Or sometimes, they just figure you’ll ask if you want to know.

Bobby  said he  might bring it up in their next one on one meeting.  He thought he’d just ask about it, in a neutral tone.  Sounded good to me.

That conversation came back to me  when a client talked about her boss who felt patronizing and intrusive.   Clearly, there are some minefields to avoid when you bring up the topic of chronic illness with a co-worker — or particularly someone you supervise:

• Don’t bring up “illness” when you’re dealing with a problem.  Wait for a  time  when the employee is less likely to feel that you are making assumptions because of illness.
• If you do ask about illness impact, focus on  work performance rather just life in general.  Your role at work is to be concerned with work.
• Ask how you can best be helpful.  Don’t assume your advice is wanted or needed nor that you can guess.

What do you think?  Would you find it intrusive or helpful if your boss asked you how you’re doing with your illness?  What might make a difference?

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Imagine this:  You return to work after missing 2 days of work due to a virus. Your supervisor calls you into her office and tells you that you’ve been sick a lot lately, you don’t seem to be taking care of yourself, and you should remember that you have (fill in your disease here).

Sarah and I spoke a few hours after this happened.  She told me that after spending the remaining part of the day trying to convince her boss that this wasn’t true, she was fed up.   She was ready to quit.

I understood how she felt.  But good thing she took a breath first.  She’d been unemployed for a year before landing this job six months ago.

Sarah knew that her supervisor, Nancy had a reputation for saying “the wrong thing” and alienating people who worked for her.  Until this event, though, Sarah had ignored the inappropriate or mean things that Nancy said. But this felt different.  Nancy’s remark felt like she had invaded Sarah’s personal space — crossed some boundary.

I asked if she had any idea what provoked Nancy’s remark.  Sarah said that her absence had meant that she wasn’t there to run a critical corporate event that she’d been working on for months.  Nancy had to step in for her.  This meant that Nancy wasn’t able to do her own work during those days.  Sarah took a breath,  saying that Nancy had been under a lot more pressure recently regarding her own “deliverables”.  Sarah became calmer when she thought about what might have been behind Nancy’s comment.

But she was still furious about what Nancy had said and implied about how she takes care of herself. The facts are that Sarah hadn’t missed any work or missed any deadlines because of MS.  In this first 6 months of work, she had missed one day of work because of a cold.  Her recent absence was due to a bad virus that was making the rounds in the office.  In fact, the CEO had been out sick earlier for a full week with this.

Sarah had spent a half hour defending herself to Nancy, pointing to the inaccuracies in her statement. But focusing on “truth” only led Nancy to dig her heals in deeper.  Discussion intended to change her ideas on this was futile.

Then Sarah realized that she didn’t care what Nancy believed.  She knew that Nancy wasn’t going to use any of this against her and her job wasn’t in jeopardy.  There was no good reason to insist on why she’d missed work.  But she did care that Nancy had crossed a line that mattered.

Sarah decided to have another talk with Nancy. She’d acknowledge that her absence had been a burden for Nancy and even if it was unavoidable and due to no fault of her own, she felt badly this had happened.  Then Sarah would set some boundaries around what she felt was appropriate discussion.  Their conversation should focus on Nancy’s expectations for Sarah and Sarah’s performance. It was not helpful or useful for Nancy to involve herself in Sarah’s personal life, regarding how to take care of herself.

What do you think?  What would you have done?  Has something like this  happened to you?

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Sue (my client, name and details changed) was having a bad time in a crohn’s disease “flare”.  For the first time, she couldn’t get to work reliably.  Luckily,  she had a job that could be done “virtually” and company policy allowed this.   After a a few weeks of struggling to get to the office, she told her boss about her health problems and switched to working at home 4 out of 5 days each week.  Her boss sent out an email saying she wasn’t feeling well and would be back in the office when she was better.

After a few months,  the “flare” calmed down  and Sue returned to her regular office schedule.  She wasn’t worried.  Her work output had stayed the same and her lack of physical presence hadn’t made any  difference in team performance.

But the people on her team had changed dramatically.  Back in the office, she felt cut off and isolated from everyone.  She’d never felt like an ‘outcast’ before and now she felt stuck and even paranoid.

Instead of feeling relieved to be back in the office, Sue was increasingly worried that she’d get sick  and need to work at home again.   For the first time in her career, she felt unmotivated and resentful at work.

She sought out her closest friend on the team, Dave, to see if she could learn what was really going on.

Dave told her.  He said that before she went “virtual”,  she’d been tense and withdrawn for weeks, sometimes making mistakes but never acknowledging it. Then one day she stopped showing up, without an explanation from her.  Dave said that when she came into the office each week, she seemed preoccupied and even a little angry.   They knew she was sick but they resented her.  She was getting the “special treatment” by working at home but she was still being difficult with them.  When she finally returned,  people were angry that she hadn’t bothered to explain what had happened.  And she didn’t seem to notice that she had been acting differently.

Sue felt relieved to know all this.  But she was deeply angry and hurt because she didn’t think she should have to explain herself.  She felt her health was a private matter and they should understand that.

What do you think?

(For my thoughts on talking about illness, check out my Career Thrive Guidebook series).

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I wasn’t sure about this.  It’s not as if there are many “job hunting” rules in the chronic illness world.  But as I got started, I realized that over the years,   I’ve encountered perceptions in my coaching practice that are worth discussing here.

1.  Don’t ever talk about illness or debilitating symptoms in a job interview. Too many clients have told me that this is what their husband/wife, friend, doctor or even disease association says.  Makes sense, doesn’t it?   Since most chronic illness symptoms  aren’t visible (how many times have you been told how great you look when you feel lousy?), disclosure seems to be the reason people don’t get or lose jobs.  Clearly timing can be tricky.  My rule of thumb is:  discuss illness or symptoms that impact you at work.  Do they get in the way of  normal work behavior – or normal behavior for your job?  If no, then take your time and be sure you have a good reason once you’ve started your job.  But, if yes, do you want to start off with a supervisor who feels blindsided?   “Oh, by the way, I need to start at 10:00 am rather than 8:00am,  an office where I can control the heat/a-c,  voice recognition software”.   Probably not.    So when do you talk about it?   I suggest that you wait to discuss this when you’ve been offered the job and your prospective employer is invested in your value.

2. Gaps in your resume or underemployment will make it impossible to get a job. If this is you, it’s natural to think that a “resume gatekeeper” would reject your resume right off the bat .  But there are creative ways to explain a work history without discussing dis-abling chronic illness.  The first step is to have a resume that shows your strengths (there are  qualified resume writers in this collective who can help with that). If you still find that your resume isn’t opening doors, then focus on building your networks so you can rely on the resume less.  Once you’re in front of a hiring person, tell your story to focus on your strengths.  If asked directly why you chose to take a job that took you “down the ladder” or why you have employment gaps, be prepared with a solid explanation.   It’s not necessary to say anymore than is asked.  But you also don’t want to seem to be hiding anything, either.  It’s a balancing act, so practice.

3. If you’re looking for part time work, don’t apply for full time work. Why not?  If you can’t work full time now, then it makes sense to look for part time work.  But if you need a job and you’re only seeing full time jobs that you’d qualify for, what do you have to lose?  I’ve seen many instances where an employer was willing to be flexible — as long as it doesn’t cost more money –  if it looks like the fit is good.  Don’t let illness drag down your self-esteem and your sense of value.

The reality is that looking for jobs in 2011 is a lot different than it was in 1950, 1970 or 1990.  It’s clearly not easier.  And,  if you’re living with chronic illness, you face challenges.  But you can do this if you’re motivated, persistent and clear-sighted in your vision.

What interview rules do you  ignore?

Career Collective Bloggers:

Juice Up Your Job Search, @debrawheatman

It’s not your age, it’s old thinking, @GayleHoward

Want a Job? Ignore these outdated job search beliefs @erinkennedycprw

Job Search Then and Now, @MartinBuckland @EliteResumes

Break the Rules or Change the Game? @WalterAkana

The New: From The Employer’s-Eye View, @ResumeService

Job Search: Breakable Rules and Outdated Beliefs, @KatCareerGal

Job Hunting Rules to Break (Or Why and How to Crowd Your Shadow), @chandlee @StartWire,

Shades of Gray, @DawnBugni

3 Rules That Are Worth Your Push-Back, @WorkWithIllness

Your Photo on LinkedIn – Breaking a Cardinal Job Search Rule? @KCCareerCoach

How to find a job: stop competing and start excelling, @Keppie_Careers

Be You-Nique: Resume Writing Rules to Break, @ValueIntoWords

Modernizing Your Job Search, @LaurieBerenson

Don’t Get Caught With an Old School Resume, @barbarasafani

How Breaking the Rules Will Help You in Your Job Search, @expatcoachmegan

Beat the Job-Search-Is-a-Numbers-Game Myth, @JobHuntOrg

25 Habits to Break if You Want a Job, @CareerSherpa

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Does this sound like you? Living with chronic illness and thinking about changing your career.  But haven’t a clue how or where to start.

Then my article,  “Career planning when you live with chronic illness”,  is what you need to get started. ( No surprise here – I outline  a strategic approach.)  It’s published  in this week’s  Job-hunt.org, ‘the web’s best job resource’  where I’m delighted to be a  monthly columnist.

But maybe you’re in a different spot. Maybe you’re currently employed but  wondering if this is the time to bail out of the workforce.  Are you managing people, reading about Steve Jobs and thinking, “Hey, why can’t I cut back the way he can?”  Vickie Elmer, columnist at glassdoor.com and The Washington Post, asked me my thoughts,  How to Know When Time Off Is a Good Thing”.   As usual, I had a lot to say.

I wrote more on this subject in my own post, Keep Filling the Bank. You don’t have to be a world class conductor to get the support you need but it helps to be liked and to add value!

All of this – - career strategy, when and how to talk about illness – - and more  in my career guidebook series, Career Thrive When You Live With Chronic Illness and my workbook, Keep Working With Chronic illness .  Check out these resources as well before you make any big moves.

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