Comments on: Are you hiding behind your illness? http://workingwithchronicillness.com/2007/01/04/are-you-hiding-behind-your-illness/ Mon, 06 Oct 2008 19:15:11 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.5 By: Rebekah http://workingwithchronicillness.com/2007/01/04/are-you-hiding-behind-your-illness/#comment-1128 Rebekah Thu, 23 Aug 2007 04:04:57 +0000 http://keepworkinggirlfriend.com/2007/01/04/are-you-hiding-behind-your-illness/#comment-1128 Joan, Your post sounds like you were not feeling "righteous" but rather "self-righteous". There's a big difference. I have multiple chronic illnesses, CFIDS, FMS, IBS, and others. I've been receiving the same spousal support amount for the past 10 years. During that time, my health has deteriated to the point where I had to stop working. Plus, just two days ago I was diagnosed with diabetes. So my circumstances have changed since the original court order. I'm struggling financially but I'm too sick to deal with going back to court to request more money. I occasionally, attend family gatherings like your husband's ex-wife but then I spend the next few days in bed to recoup. Maybe that's what she must do too. Is she hiding behind her illness as you claim? I don't know because I don't know her. But I gained a lot of insight into you by your post. I'm shocked that you, who claim to have a chronic illness, would be so prejudiced against someone else with a chronic illness. Apparently, you have not learned that illnesses effect people differently. Just because you were able to keep working and raise a child is something to celebrate not use to put someone else down. You need to learn compassion and it's sad that you have not allowed your illness to teach you. I feel sorry for your husband's children. You are obviously a step-mother who does not put her step-children's interest first. Money is more important to you. GET OVER IT!!! Joan,

Your post sounds like you were not feeling “righteous” but rather “self-righteous”. There’s a big difference.

I have multiple chronic illnesses, CFIDS, FMS, IBS, and others. I’ve been receiving the same spousal support amount for the past 10 years. During that time, my health has deteriated to the point where I had to stop working. Plus, just two days ago I was diagnosed with diabetes. So my circumstances have changed since the original court order. I’m struggling financially but I’m too sick to deal with going back to court to request more money.

I occasionally, attend family gatherings like your husband’s ex-wife but then I spend the next few days in bed to recoup. Maybe that’s what she must do too.

Is she hiding behind her illness as you claim? I don’t know because I don’t know her. But I gained a lot of insight into you by your post. I’m shocked that you, who claim to have a chronic illness, would be so prejudiced against someone else with a chronic illness. Apparently, you have not learned that illnesses effect people differently. Just because you were able to keep working and raise a child is something to celebrate not use to put someone else down. You need to learn compassion and it’s sad that you have not allowed your illness to teach you.

I feel sorry for your husband’s children. You are obviously a step-mother who does not put her step-children’s interest first. Money is more important to you.

GET OVER IT!!!

]]> By: Julie http://workingwithchronicillness.com/2007/01/04/are-you-hiding-behind-your-illness/#comment-27 Julie Mon, 08 Jan 2007 04:37:41 +0000 http://keepworkinggirlfriend.com/2007/01/04/are-you-hiding-behind-your-illness/#comment-27 I have suffered from CFIDS and FMS for most of my 32 years although for much of it it was undiagnosed. I have always been a 'push throught the pain' type of person...until my body forced me to stop. I have learned over the past few years that if I am hurting, I should treat my pain. If I am tired, I should rest. If I am frustrated, I should try to find the origin of it, as it will only get worse until I do so, even if I can't 'fix' it. We must take care of ourselves. I agree that includes adapating things and earning a living through every means possible, but that also means pausing when needed. As to the original question, about the child support..in the end it won't impact things one way or another if you, Joan, are angry with this woman or if you are empathetic...at least not as far as the courts are concerned, right? But, for the children that you are a step mother to, and the man you are a wife to, and your own health that you are monitoring, it would do wonders to assume that she is hitting a rough spot and to give her the benefit of the doubt. Is she cheating the system? Possibly, and it is something that should be brought to the attention of the lawyers handling the case that they should make sure that she must proove her inability to work, and also that she is attempting to get social security disability payments. If they decide she can work, she doesn't have much of a legal leg to stand on....However, to carry this around, to be angry will do more harm than good for everyone. Don't get me wrong, it eats my a** too! However, we never truly know the depth of someone else's suffering, and the welfare of the children shouldn't be something that is nickle and dimed between parents. It is the kids that need to be cared for in the end, and the kids will remember the fact that Dad wouldn't give Mom the money to help care for them...even if they shouldn't hear about it. Julie I have suffered from CFIDS and FMS for most of my 32 years although for much of it it was undiagnosed. I have always been a ‘push throught the pain’ type of person…until my body forced me to stop. I have learned over the past few years that if I am hurting, I should treat my pain. If I am tired, I should rest. If I am frustrated, I should try to find the origin of it, as it will only get worse until I do so, even if I can’t ‘fix’ it. We must take care of ourselves. I agree that includes adapating things and earning a living through every means possible, but that also means pausing when needed.

As to the original question, about the child support..in the end it won’t impact things one way or another if you, Joan, are angry with this woman or if you are empathetic…at least not as far as the courts are concerned, right? But, for the children that you are a step mother to, and the man you are a wife to, and your own health that you are monitoring, it would do wonders to assume that she is hitting a rough spot and to give her the benefit of the doubt. Is she cheating the system? Possibly, and it is something that should be brought to the attention of the lawyers handling the case that they should make sure that she must proove her inability to work, and also that she is attempting to get social security disability payments. If they decide she can work, she doesn’t have much of a legal leg to stand on….However, to carry this around, to be angry will do more harm than good for everyone.

Don’t get me wrong, it eats my a** too! However, we never truly know the depth of someone else’s suffering, and the welfare of the children shouldn’t be something that is nickle and dimed between parents. It is the kids that need to be cared for in the end, and the kids will remember the fact that Dad wouldn’t give Mom the money to help care for them…even if they shouldn’t hear about it.

Julie

]]> By: Joan http://workingwithchronicillness.com/2007/01/04/are-you-hiding-behind-your-illness/#comment-25 Joan Thu, 04 Jan 2007 23:09:07 +0000 http://keepworkinggirlfriend.com/2007/01/04/are-you-hiding-behind-your-illness/#comment-25 Diana, I appreciate the questions you're asking yourself. The very fact that you're asking the question suggests that you probably only "hide" behind your illness - if you do - until you recognize you're doing it. I think that's the best we can all do, no matter what the source of the pain. As much as I'm committed to be more than my symptoms or illness, in the throws of severe pain and symptoms I get cranky and can do little more than the minimum required to get by. At those times it seems to be the appropriate thing to do. Your body is wise and you are for following it. The trick, I've learned, is to recognize when you're still responding to something no longer there, or using it because of what you get in return from those around you. So, I ask you, what can you do from bed? I've led group programs by phone from bed and coached clients from bed, taking advantage of today's communication tools to run my business this way when needed. Noone was the wiser - well, until now! That way I could be completely warm, relaxed and comfortable, yet contribute to the livelihood of others and meet my own needs too. No webcams, please! Joan Diana, I appreciate the questions you’re asking yourself. The very fact that you’re asking the question suggests that you probably only “hide” behind your illness - if you do - until you recognize you’re doing it. I think that’s the best we can all do, no matter what the source of the pain. As much as I’m committed to be more than my symptoms or illness, in the throws of severe pain and symptoms I get cranky and can do little more than the minimum required to get by. At those times it seems to be the appropriate thing to do. Your body is wise and you are for following it. The trick, I’ve learned, is to recognize when you’re still responding to something no longer there, or using it because of what you get in return from those around you.

So, I ask you, what can you do from bed? I’ve led group programs by phone from bed and coached clients from bed, taking advantage of today’s communication tools to run my business this way when needed. Noone was the wiser - well, until now! That way I could be completely warm, relaxed and comfortable, yet contribute to the livelihood of others and meet my own needs too. No webcams, please!
Joan

]]> By: Diana http://workingwithchronicillness.com/2007/01/04/are-you-hiding-behind-your-illness/#comment-23 Diana Thu, 04 Jan 2007 19:15:46 +0000 http://keepworkinggirlfriend.com/2007/01/04/are-you-hiding-behind-your-illness/#comment-23 I struggle with this issue, of whether I am using my illness to give myself permission to retreat from work and life, every day. I have a psychological problem with pain. I had acute pancreatitis attacks all my life, but they went undiagnosed. I was told that I was being a baby, that I just had gas, etc. So I learned very early on that my experience of pain and my response to it were "wrong". It wasn't until I was 36 yrs old that it was diagnosed correctly. This lead to a surgery to remove a congenital cyst in my duodenum, but that only led to further complications that people with pancreatitis will know well. My pain has been severe almost constantly for the past 14 months. However, when I lay down in bed and relax, I feel much better. Never mind pain meds, I can see that I am getting addicted to this "lying in bed" behavior. But I haven't gotten past the messages I learned in my childhood. So every day is a battle as to how to proceed. I've been having attacks lately because of too much activity. One way to look at it, though, is that the attacks or the pain haven't killed me, so why not just "go for it"? This is the toughest aspect of my illness, ever harder than trying to find out what is truly wrong with my pancreatic system. I struggle with this issue, of whether I am using my illness to give myself permission to retreat from work and life, every day. I have a psychological problem with pain. I had acute pancreatitis attacks all my life, but they went undiagnosed. I was told that I was being a baby, that I just had gas, etc. So I learned very early on that my experience of pain and my response to it were “wrong”. It wasn’t until I was 36 yrs old that it was diagnosed correctly. This lead to a surgery to remove a congenital cyst in my duodenum, but that only led to further complications that people with pancreatitis will know well. My pain has been severe almost constantly for the past 14 months. However, when I lay down in bed and relax, I feel much better. Never mind pain meds, I can see that I am getting addicted to this “lying in bed” behavior. But I haven’t gotten past the messages I learned in my childhood. So every day is a battle as to how to proceed. I’ve been having attacks lately because of too much activity. One way to look at it, though, is that the attacks or the pain haven’t killed me, so why not just “go for it”? This is the toughest aspect of my illness, ever harder than trying to find out what is truly wrong with my pancreatic system.

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